The Sac Religious Bible
by Gods Secretaries
Summary: A bunch of warped bible stories! Religious people beware, anti-religious people be prepared to laugh! Flamers welcome, I like being hated anyway.
1. Adam and Eve: The Beginning

Disclaimer: We don't own the bible. No, seriously, I don't have it, nor have I ever read it. We don't own Adam and Eve. And we'd just like to say; we do not hate anyone who believes in god, we respect your opinions, now here is ours and we ask you to respect it as we do yours. Thank you. Enjoy the story. And flamers welcome, I could use a good laugh.

The Sac Religious Bible

Adam and Eve: The Beginning

One day, God was all bored and junk. "Sigh, Heaven is so lonely…. I think I'll make more random creatures or something…." So, after God finished his breakfast of a smiley face pancake, he set to work on his new design for the creature.

"Judith!" He calls for his secretary, "Don't disturb me while I'm in my lab!" Judith who was a piece of random cardboard that God had experimented with making said nothing for she was cardboard and cardboard people are usually not morning people and so they are very grouchy.

In God's lab there were all sorts of buttons and levers that would drive a 2-year-old wild. When God entered his lab (a.k.a. the toddler play room), he took off all his clothes. _I've always done better work in the nude…_ Once God was stark naked and displaying a rather small penis, he set to work.

He got out his "_One Hundred and One Recipes with Genes_" cook book and began flipping through the pages, occasionally muttering "No, no, that won't do…". A few days later, God screamed "This one! I'm building THIS one!"

He frantically ran around collecting sugars and phosphorus and bases for the DNA. "Let's see here…I need a bunch of those, not a lot of those, some of that, a hell of a lot of that stuff…" He rambled on and on. While he was rambling and gathering, he forgot one of the ingredients; intelligence. Well, he didn't really forget, but he figured if he didn't have it, they wouldn't need it.

Once he assembled one cell, he made it divide over and over again until he had 60 trillion of them. Then he made them specialize. Soon he had a human. A human male because he didn't feel like finding the rest of the genes for the other part of the X Chromosome so he just left it as a Y Chromosome. God raised the Human who became known as Adam because God just randomly picked letters out of the alphabet.

Once he was an adult, God sent him to earth but not before throwing him a big Going Away Party. Judith and God got drunk and wound up in bed. Adam, who witnessed the whole thing, was mortally scarred for life.

When Adam got to Earth, he poked a snake and got bitten. He died from the poison and was sent back up to heaven. God yelled at him and sent him back to Earth.

"But, Father, I am most bored down here on Earth. Can you not give me something to keep me company other than the serpents and the lions? They don't approve of me fooling with them." Adam begged. God gathered more ingredients for another human. "God, I will be an old man by the time that female has grown." So God used his almighty powers to make the female grow into a large-breasted woman that Adam liked a lot. "THANK YOU, GOD! You truly are the greatest!"

Before Adam and Eve got to do anything, God told them a couple of rules. "I will give you most of what you want. But no sex and no eating off of that fruit tree. Those are the only two things you may not do." Adam and Eve sighed.

"Why not, my father?" Adam asked. God told Adam that the tree was forbidden for experimental reasons. "No, father. I mean why no sex?" God told Adam it would interfere with everything and they can't have kids because he would want to see if the kid would be a sinner or not.

A few days passed. Adam and Eve happily skipped in the fields and smelled the flowers. They discovered something called allergies and found out they're God's joke he plays on humans. But they forgave him because he's awesome.

One day, the snake that had bit Adam slithered up to Eve. "'Sup?" He said.

"Same old, same old." Eve replied. The snake nodded.

"Coo', coo'." He said. "Now, I'm hear to tell you how delicious those apples are on that tree over there."

Eve looked at him. He was small and green. She was reminded of Adam's penis when she studied him. "What does it taste like? I hope it tastes better than Adam's cum…" She gagged at the though of Adam's cum…it tasted horrible. But he would tickle her feet (she had an odd foot tickling fetish…don't ask) so she had to give him oral.

The snake looked at her, disgusted, for a few seconds then spoke. "Um, it does…it's the sweetest, juiciest fruit in the world. The WHOLE world! Wouldn't you just love to be the first person who ever tasted it?"

"…No." She said then walked away. She remembered what God had said about the fruit. _There must be a reason he doesn't want me to eat from that tree…._ She thought.

"Suit yourself." The snake slithered away, leaving the spot where they talked empty except for the two dogs that were shagging in the bushes to the right of where they were.

The next day the serpent again went up to Eve and told her, "I just had some of that fruit. It was soooooo gooooood. Don't you want some? It melts in your mouth." Eve shook her head.

"My Holy Father says anything that melts in your mouth is evil." Eve said. The snake raised its eyebrows (yes it has eyebrows because it can have eyebrows).

"How can such goodness be evil? Besides, is he not the one that gave you allergies?" The snake said.

"Well yes… But he is most awesome."

"Is he not the one that made Adam's cum taste really bad?"

She thought about that for a moment. "No, I think it's just because of Adam's STD's." She finally said.

"Um…I didn't need to hear that…." The snake said.

"Sorry." Eve said. "Well, I must be off now, Adam will want to tickle my feet so I will give him a blow job." She walked away; leaving the snake all disgusted.

When she got back to Adam and he tickled her feet, she gave him a blow job and then vomited because his cum was just so very horrid. After that, she took a bath in the river and ate beans.

A third day, the serpent came back. "Hello again!" It greeted. Eve turned her back to it. "Oh come on!"

"I shan't give in to your temptation. I'd sin." Eve said. "And that's not good."

"A'ight. If you eat from the damn tree I'll leave you alone." The snake bribed. "If you don't, I'll come back everyday put curses upon your fiendish head."

"Not my head! Not my fiendish head!" Eve shouted. "Okay, okay, I'll eat the fruit of the damned." The serpent and Eve made their way over to the forbidden tree. Eve picked one fruit and licked it slowly. "This is delicious!" She licked it faster and faster. "This is better than having sex! And it's almost like sex too!" She bit into it as Adam came over.

"I heard sex!" He yelled.

"Try this fruit! It's better than sex!" Eve threw a fruit at Adam.

"NEVER!" Adam said. "Nothing's better than sex!" But he bit into it anyway. "Holy shit! It's like having breast in my mouth and now it's in my stomach!"

Every day they went back and ate the fruit. They soon realized that God didn't do shit because he was too busy trying to seduce Judith so they started to sin some more. They began to have hot, steamy, passionate sex everyday, all day. Soon Eve got pregnant.

"Shit! God damn it, Adam! You got my pregnant! What the hell is wrong with you!" Eve yelled at him.

Adam ran away. Men are just afraid of commitment like that.

As Eve watched him run off into the distance, flailing his arms about and whining, she rubbed her tummy. She felt the baby kick so she punched him back. "That'll teach you to kick your mother!" She told her tummy angrily.

The next day, Adam returned. He had cut both his hands and he was very horny after watching some rhino porn and he needed Eve to have sex with him. Eve was still mad so she refused and he raped her.

Adam popped her amniotic sac and she went into labor right there. Adam was disgusted by it and had to go throw up. Eve struggled through her first birth alone and then smacked Adam upside the head.

Finally, one day God WASN'T seducing his cardboard cut-out so he went down to Earth. When he saw Eve's baby he went into a rage. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE SEX! I TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE SEX!" He yelled. Then he saw Adam eating off of the tree. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT OFF OF THAT TREE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO!" Adam hid behind the tree but he ate the fruit.

"My father, forgive us. We have sinned." Eve began. "But father, sex is so wonderful. And the fruit, OH THE FRUIT! The fruit is better than sex!"

"No excuses!" God scolded. "Now as punishment, I sentence you however many years it takes to make five trillion babies!" Eve started to cry because she knew Adam wouldn't be there for her, only during the hot, steamy, sweaty, sticky, passionate sex. "And no sex! Adam, just get the god damn sperm to fertilize Eve's eggs."

"But, God." Adam said. "IS there another way besides sex?" God sighed.

"Yes! But you figure it out, I have an appointment with my secretary." And then God vanished.

Eve walked up to Adam. "Way to go, asshole!"

"_I'm_ the asshole! You're the one who told me to eat the fruit! You damned bitch!" Adam yelled. They started to wrestle which turned into sex. God found out about it and made Adam gay. (A/N: I'm bi so I have nothing against gays, so don't think I'm making fun of them.)

Adam skipped about and made a skirt from some leaves and smeared berry juice on his lips. "Aren't I pretty?" Adam asked Eve.

Eve stared wide-eyed for a few minutes then just walked away. "God…what the hell did you do to him! He's…he's…" She looked over at him having sex with a buck. "Ok, now that's just fucked up."

"Yeah…maybe I should make him straight again…." God said watching Adam thrust the buck even faster. "Although, the deer seems to be enjoying it…"

As soon as God had made Adam straight again, he stopped humping the deer and was disgusted with himself. He began to masturbate because he still had an erection. Then he fingered Eve without washing his hands.

He got her pregnant. "Yay! We found the way! That shouldn't have rhymed!" Eve said, joyfully.

God got impatient of the amount of time it took for Eve to give birth to the babies so he sped up the process. "One baby per day!" God announced. Eve began to cry at this and then she cried even louder when a baby came out of her. Meanwhile, Adam masturbated to get ready for another baby.

Soon there were too many babies for Adam and Eve to take care of. "God…" They pleaded. "Please take away some of these babies. We cannot care for them any longer. And if you can't then care for the fucking things yourself!" So God came down to Earth again.

"No, I will not kill them. No, I will not care for them. What I'll do is make them hate each other and they'll all fight to the death!" God boomed. Adam and Eve looked at each other and then back at God.

"But they're only children… how will they fight?" God smirked with holy evilness and the babies turned into teenagers. Eve's eyes went wide. "How can those boys have bigger penises than Adam! Can I at least have sex with one before they kill each other?" Eve asked. God shook his head and disappeared into heaven again. Eve took one of the young men and had sex with him anyway while the others fought to the death. Then Adam snuck into the woods and it became a threesome.

After the threesome, Eve birthed twins. Those twins hated everyone except Adam and Eve so they fought with people and died. Soon, they only had 5 kids left. They were all kept in separate, but equal cages. Adam and Eve had more kids and they allowed some of them to kill each other because they just couldn't make that many cages and all have them be equal. Plus, the college costs would be phenomenal.

One day, Adam discovered one of his daughters having sex with one of his sons. He watched them for a while and commented on how they were doing it wrong and that it isn't supposed to go up her ass. They told him to go away in a rude way, using their hands because they couldn't use their mouths because they were too busy doing the 69 position.

After Eve's 5 trillionth child, her uterus fell out of her body. It was rather painful and Adam threw up again. Adam looked at her uterus and was able to see the imprints of where his penis hit all those times they had sex. It was so detailed it was like a mould of his penis…he was disturbed. _Maybe we did it a little bit **too** much…_ He thought.


	2. The Birth of Jesus: Oh Boy a New King

Disclaimer: We still don't own this shit. We don't own Jesus, Mary, or Joseph. We don't WANT to either. Enjoy. Peace.

Sac Religious Bible

The Birth of Jesus: Oh Boy a New King

About 2000 years ago, a woman named Mary was all alive and stuff. She had a lover named Joseph although they never fucked. BUT one night, an angel appeared in Mary's dreams. The angel said, "You get to go through the miracle of birth without the fun before it! Beware the horrible, sick and twisted pain; it's hard to just ignore it." (yes, the angel MUST rhyme). Mary woke up and freaked out.

"Joseph, we're having a baby!" She screamed. "And we didn't even have sex!"

"So? Adam and Eve didn't have sex when they created their last 4, 999, 999, 995 children. They couldn't... It was a sin to have sex." Joseph explained calmly.

"Don't you get it! We never fucked! What's up with that! God, why have you given me your child!" Mary shouted at the ceiling. Joseph looked up too.

"YOU FUCKED MARY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" He demanded.

"…." God replied. He had begun not to answer the humans and their prayers because he and Judith were on a long relaxing vacation in Hell. They got complimentary acid facials everyday.

Joseph decided to marry Mary because he wanted to be the father of God's son because he thought people would think he is God instead of that his wife was banging God behind his back. Even though he acted like he was all Godly, nasty rumors about Mary and God swept through the town.

To escape the rumors, they moved to Bethlehem. The first night they got there, they still needed to look for a house but Mary's water broke so they needed to find a hotel and since the city of Bethlehem was anti-hospital, they couldn't get Mary any drugs to subdue the pain.

All of the hotels were booked up because it was Christmas Eve and they didn't go to to find a room. A nice man who owned a hotel, but was all booked up, said that they could sleep with the barn animals. They took up his offer because Mary was almost at 10 cm and they needed to find somewhere to stay the night.

So Mary had the baby in a stable, though it was extremely painful for Mary for the baby had ripped her hymen. She woke up all of the people in the hotel with her blood-curdling screams so they all threw body parts at them wrapped in cloth. After the birth, Joseph gathered the cloth and they wrapped the baby in it. "Let's name it..." Mary paused. "What should we name it?"

"That's the most awesome name ever. Even more awesome than God fucking you without me knowing." Joseph declared.

"I've already told you, he didn't! Jeez." Mary slapped Joseph across the face.

"Cheese? THAT'S IT! We'll name the baby Cheezus!"

"No... We'll name him... JEEZUS!" Mary held the baby up in the air to show him off. Yes... ALL OF YOU PEOPLE SPELL HIS NAME WRONG! The angel came down from the heavens drinking a bloody Mary and said to the shepherds that the Son of God had arrived.

"Yeah, and you can find the little whippersnapper in Beth-a-leh-hem. TEEHEE! Ha haaaaaaa. I crack myself up..." The angel started to fly up to heaven again but was taken to jail by the chief angel who enforces the law of 'No drinking and flying'.

When the angle was being brought to jail, the chief angel's lights on the top of his police car were shining and everyone mistook it for a star.

Some not-so-wise wise men saw the "star" and followed it because they were drunk and had no girlfriends to go have sex with. They ended up in Bethlehem and they found the manger with the Son of God in it. They began to pray to him and give him stuff. That night when they slept, they all had dreams telling them not to bring the baby to the king. The king couldn't have children so he wanted to take all the little boys and girls in Bethlehem to call his own.

The king heard about God's son and decided that he MUST own the child. He just had to. So the king put up fliers, promising a reward of a life time supply of condoms (well, I didn't say WHAT he was the king of!)

Eventually, people started coming with fake babies to pose as God's son. When the people thought they were getting their reward from the king, he took them into a room and raped them. Everybody had fake God's sons left the King's place with HIV. The king decided he would find God's son himself because he was sooo tired from transmitting all of that disease.

The king went around asking all of the people of Bethlehem where the Son of God was. Nobody told him although all of them knew. But one person, after meeting Jeezus, hadn't slept that night because of roid rage. He told the king where Jeezus was and then decided to go kill people. A nearby person ran to the manger and told Mary and Joseph about the king.

"Oh no... where shall we hide Jeezus?" Mary asked. Joseph stuffed Jeezus up Mary's shirt (and felt around while he was at it). The king arrived at the manger and asked where Jeezus was, but after seeing Mary and her monumental breasts, he forgot all about Jeezus. After a few more minutes of just staring, the king took a picture and left. "We did it! The king is safe!" Mary exclaimed.


	3. Jesus Cures the Beggar: Look Another Jes...

Disclaimer: Still don't own it. Never have, never will. We get these stories off some kiddie sites and Ki's religion book that she's forced to read. So, we just read it, laugh at it, then type up a deformed version of how we see it. So…peace. Oh, and by the way, we have nothing against blind people, it's just a story, so blind people, if you're reading this, please don't get offended.

Sac Religious Bible

Jesus Cures a Beggar: Look Another Jesus Story

One fine Sunday morning, Jesus was walking around town with some disciples. They saw a blind man trying to look for his house and laughed at him. Jesus walked over to him and spat in the dirt. He tripped the blind man and pushed his face into the mud. He told the blind man that it was not mud, but horse shit that he had pushed him into. The beggar started crying but that didn't make the mud go away.

The blind man stumbled around and he fell into a pool of the Hotel Shiloam. The mud was washed off. Since the mud was holy and religious, stuff that made no sense what so ever happened like the blind man being able to see! All because of some dirty old dirt. Dirt has healing powers you know…well, in religious things it does…. Because they make no sense.

The formerly blind man now knew what everyone was talking about when they said he was ugly and dirty. He looked at his reflection in the pool and was horrified. "What is that MONSTER!" He cried.

"It's you, you flipping dolt!" Someone said.

"Oh…" The formerly blind man said.

"Oh my God! You're supposed to be blind!" The person gasped.

"This dude came and put shit on my eyes. I washed it off and now…I CAN SEE!" The no-longer blind man announced.

"Gasp! Sinner-man!" Another person pointed at the no-longer blind man. He ran into a bakery and spilled red spice all over the floor.

"Hey! My unnamed spice!" The baker smacked the person.

"Sinner-man!" The person said running out of the bakery.

"Cinnamon…CINNAMON!" So the spice was now named, thank GOD for that!

A crowd surrounded the no-longer blind man. "Is that him? The man that can see but shouldn't?"

"No, he just looks like him."

"Nonsense. **NO ONE** could be as UGLY as him!"

The arguing continued and then The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-The-Blind-Man began to speak.

"People! Give me your attention! I have something to say!" He began.

Someone threw corn on the cob at him but he saw it coming and ducked.

He shot a nasty glare at the person who threw it. "As I was saying…I don't know how or why, but when I got shit on my face and washed it off, my blindness went away! Aren't you all happy for me?"

"No…" Someone said while throwing a carrot at him.

Just then, Jesus and the disciples walked by discussing how everything is inferior to them. "Oh yeah, and that stone over there…DEFINITELY inferior! No doubt about it. Oh and look at that lady bug…"

The blind man recognized his voice and said, "Lookie! It's the man who put shit on my face!"

"Wha…?" Jesus said.

"We'll teach YOU to throw shit!" The angry townspeople cried and began chasing him with torches and pitch forks and hamsters. Jesus ran around and it was a fun chase sequence in which upbeat music played and various clichéd character appeared through doors in a hall of doorways.

At the very end of the chase sequence, two hamsters leapt up and bit Jesus' arms causing him to stop and flail his arms about while squealing like a little piggy being raped.

A near by pig farmer heard him and ran outside. "Oh no! Anna Bell's being raped again!"

The townspeople caught up with Jesus and began to throw tiny pieces of lint at him. "Give it up dude! We got you cornered! Free the shit! Free the shit!" Some people chanted.

"But... I... THAT MONKEY THROWS SHIT!" Jesus pointed to a conveniently placed monkey sitting on a barrel eating the fleas off of the out-of-a-job baker that DIDN'T invent cinnamon.

"Oh... my... GOD! HE'S FUCKING RIGHT! GET THE MONKEY!" The crowd yelled.

"WAIT! I'm pretty sure he's trying to trick us... 3/4 of the group... CHASE THE MONKEY!" An intelligent being ordered. So 3/4 (give or take one and a half of a person) went to chase the monkey.

After a while of chase scenes and hamsters, Jesus used his GODLY powers to get away. The Pharisees went to the no-longer-blindman and asked, "Why the hell can you see again?"

"I already told y'all... but you will not listen." The no-longer-blindman said.

"What?" Asked the Pharisees.

"I don't know where the man came from... but I know that I was once blind and now I CAN SEE!"

"Well..." One Pharisee began. "When a god and his secretary seduce each other veeeerrry much" Another Pharisee punched him in the ribs.

"Exactly! This man MUST have come from God! I mean... who else could have opened a blind man's eyes?" The bland man announced.

"He can't have come from God! He broke the Sabbath! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD man! BAAAAAD!" Someone said.

"Hmm…Let's ask his parents. Who are your parents?" A person asked him.

"Mary, Joseph and God." Jesus Replied. "I'm Jesus."

Mary was found in a dark alley seducing a drunkard and brought to the Town Square before she could lose her virginity. Poor Mary.

"WHAT! What is it NOW!" She screamed. She got odd looks because back then, people just didn't walk around in black tube tops and see-through thongs…they just didn't.

"Is this guy your son?" Some important looking person asked. But really, he wasn't important, he just looked like it.

"Yeah. What has he done now?" She asked.

"Is God his father?" The important looking unimportant person said.

"Yeah."

"Look mommy! It's God's whore!" A little 2 year old said.

"Shh…honey. We don't say whore, we say harlot." The mother reprimanded.

"Yes mommy." The child said.

"Yeah... pfff, right! Haha! We all know that this man, Jesus, is a sinner PRETENDING to be God's son. If he was God's son, he wouldn't wear crappy clothing and he would have been smart enough to use his godly powers right away when we were chasing him." A Pharisee said.

"But... you just said he used godly powers." Mary said, lighting a cigarette.

"Pfff... anybody can do that." They all watched as the monkey vanished, leaving the people and their pitchforks behind. "Is the monkey God's son? Nooooooo."

"We are all God's children!" A little girl said. The unemployed baker picked her up and made her into many delicious muffins for his dinner. Delizioso! Then the people had to speak over the girl's screams.

"NO REALLY! JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD! IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, YOU SHOULD GO ASK MY SON WHERE JESUS CAME FROM!" Mary shouted.

"WE ALREADY DID! WE THREW HIM OUT OF THE SYNAGOG!" A Pharisee yelled back. Jesus overheard this and decided to go meet the man that was once blind.

"Sup?" Jesus said.

"Nothing much, just got my sight for the first time, nothing too big though….You?" The blind man who isn't so blind anymore man said.

"Just being called a sinner by everyone."

"Aww, that's too bad."

"Yeah…"

"…"

"…"

Jesus left and the blind man went to pretend to be blind again so he could look at naked girls.

The blind man that wasn't walked all over the town but couldn't find any naked women anywhere. Then he heard mesmorizing noises coming from a dark ally. He quietly stepped in hearing the loud "mmmmm" noise. He discovered a monkey and a naked woman having oral sex in the far end of the alley. Delighted, he popped some popcorn and sat down to watch. The woman and the monkey knew the man was blind, so they continued for a while. After about two hours and three days, the monkey got too tired and died. The women then walked over to the blind man.

"Whassup hot stuff?" She asked. The no-longer-blind blind man just sat there, staring into space as if he were blind. "If you could see me, you'd want to fuck me." She told him.

"Fucking is a sin." The man stated.

"Then start masturbating... Your cum HAS to be better than God's."

A/N: Ok, we KNOW it's not funny. We also know there is hardly and sex. We're sorry…but the next one will be sex filled.


	4. Noah's Ark: Who's Got Flood Damage Insur

Disclaimer: We still don't own the bible. Gosh, why don't you believe us the first 3 times we said it!

Sac Religious Bible

Noah's Ark: Hot Steamy Animal Pr0n

"So tell me again why I have to risk my ass sailing for forty days and nights with a bunch of smelly animals." Noah said, standing under a big oak tree talking to God.

"Ugh, because I'm GOING to make it rain for forty days and forty nights! Do you not see?" God explained.

"See what? That you're a drunk? Yes... or maybe it's just that you've spent too many nights with your secretary and now there's no blood left in your head." Noah tapped his foot. "Look, I really don't want to do this."

"You have to. Or all life on the planet will be doomed."

"So?"

"So... look, it's REALLY hard to make that many animals. Hey... I know! You have to bring two of each animal on the ark! Then they can sex each other up and have babies! You too..." God shouted excitedly. A couple people stopped and stared at them.

"Hmm... babies... Not liking it." Noah sighed. "Dayum... babies. I mean... SEX is okay with me. In fact, it's totally fine. But... man... babies. Hmmm."

"All right... I'll make it fair. I'll give you lambskin condoms so there's a 50/50 chance you'll have a baby. If you do, well... hey, it's not my fault."

"Okay..." Noah agreed. So God put his hand in his pocket and felt around for a while until he lifted condoms out of it. He presented them to Noah who took them and cuddled them. So Noah set off to build his ark. No one would give him nails for it so he had to borrow cum from Adam and Eve to glue the wood together. Although it smelled horrible (like vomit mixed with a whale's uterus) he had the ark glued together a day before the rains began. "Now I have to find some animals and sex buddies for them... and me! Teehee..."

Noah skipped off, roping all of the animals he could find and checking their undersides for proof that they were a certain gender. After finding all of the animals and sex buddies for them, he went into town for HIS. He knocked on every door to see every lady but everyone was married. He had just about given up all hope when he came across a woman named Mary.

He liked how Mary looked. Everything about her was….whorish. He liked that in a woman. The way she came up to him…the way her fake orgasm-y voice sounded. He was aroused. It also helped that she was the only one who actually wanted him.

So, he put all the animals on the ark, two by two the animals boarded. First were the lesbian and bisexual animals because they didn't want to be drooled over by the straight guys who were just pigs. Then went the gay animals because the straight animals claimed that if they went on first the gay animals would stare at their asses and run up there and hump the hell our of them (which brings a wonderful image to mind of a zebra humping a giraffe, no?). Then finally the straight animals boarded the ship.

After everyone's tickets were checked and the stow-aways were beaten with metal pipes until they lie in a bloody pulp, the ship departed and everyone was there to wave and scream "bon voyage!" only, they said it in French because everyone knows that "bon voyage" is an English saying. (If you did know that, go shoot yourself and put yourself out of the misery of your stupidity) So, it started raining and the animals were all on the boat except for a few that Noah forgot like the Spotted Flookel-horse and the Spinkle-Floo. Of course, these were only mentioned in "The Bible—Uncut and Raw (We Forgot to Cook it…)". You can pick up a copy of that at B0rd3rs and find out what REALLY happened when God created Earth. And, in the new edition, they even explain how God was formed! Lookie here at this excerpt: "…And it was then, when the Great Nothing met the Also Great Nothing and the fell in love…Soon, the Also Great Nothing had a child; God…"

Anyway, Noah and his whore lied down on the floor of the ark. For a day, they rubbed each other and screamed at the top of their lungs. From some extreme humping, Noah hit his head really hard on the floor. "FUCK!" He shouted. "THAT REALLY HURT…Oh yeah, those animals… they need to eat, don't they?" So he got up and grabbed some hay from the storage room. It was stored next to the Windex and the Mr. Clean! Noah then opened the door to the giraffe pen. He walked in and his feet stuck to the floor. "Oh, man! Don't do that right before I come in here!" The female giraffe licked his chest. It turned him on a wee bit. We walked into the far corner of the pen and put the food down. He backed up into the male giraffe, which grabbed his raggedy loincloth and ripped it off. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick it up. It was then that he saw the giraffe's large penis. "PENIS!" He yelled. There was just something about him that made him yell that… Before Noah knew it, he was having a three some with the giraffes. His penis was in the female's mouth as his mouth was delightfully filled with the male's penis. Then they played tongue tag. He was always the winner. Noah ROCKED at tongue tag! After a while, he looked at himself. He was sweaty and covered with giraffe hair. "Sorry…" He panted. "But I must …feed… the other animals!"

So Noah continued on his way. He walked up to the ant pen and saw that all the ants had escaped. "Damn it…I was looking forward to having some arthropod penis…that shit is hot." He muttered to himself. He decided to find some crabs or something later. The next stop was the pigs. They were mud wrestling. Noah tried to avert his eyes…if he ejaculated again he'd get blue balls…ouch. So he scooped up some mud (while giving the male pig's ass a little squeeze) and rubbed it on his eyes so he couldn't see. He wound up dumping the food overboard instead of in the pigpen. The pigs were very disappointed and hungry so they made their child into bacon and ate him.

"Okay." Noah said walking to another pen of something-or-others. "Food time..." He dropped the hay into the pen. He heard some growls and then a loud roar. "This must be the tiger pen... My mistake." He reached his hand in and grabbed something. A claw swiped him across the face. The mud flew off of his face. He then saw that he was grabbing the tiger's penis. "Oops..." Noah let go and felt somebody tapping on his shoulder. It was Mary. "Hi, Mary!" He greeted.

"You've been cheating on me!" Mary scolded.

Noah frowned. "It turns me on."

"Well, I have to admit…it IS quite exciting watching you do that…" Mary said. "But really, if you're going to have sex don't exclude me! I wanna join in the fun too!" She began to cry.

"Aww, well, how about tomorrow we all have a big orgy? Would you like that, cumcake?" Noah asked her to try to make her stop crying. It was turning him on…it sounded exactly like when she faked an orgasm.

She sniffled a bit, "I want it NOW!" Mary was screaming and sounding like Puka Salt from Willie Wanker and the Condom Factory, which is a movie I highly recommend.

"But cumcake! I can't ejaculate again or I'll get blue balls! Those hurt!" Noah explained.

"I don't care…I'm going to make you ejaculate! Cause, well, it's fun." She said, then started pole dancing on one of the beams that was holding up the upper deck of the ship.

"Must... refrain... from... looking." Noah fought with himself. He turned in the other direction and looked at the floor. There he saw the escaped ants, humping each other. He could almost hear the little tykes scream. "Oh no." Noah mumbled.

"OH YEAH!" Mary shrieked from behind him. Noah ejaculated all over the ants, then got really horny off of the semen. He fell to the floor, cuddling his balls.

"AAAAUGH, MARY, YOU TWIT! NOW I HAVE BLUE BALLS!"

"Let me see..." She moved his hands aside.

"NO! No, don't touch them!" Noah whined.

"I'm not!" Mary replied calmly. "Oh, look... They're not blue at all... They're more of a violet or a purple..."

"Really? I'm color blind so I wouldn't know…" Noah said. He poked his right nut and yelped in pain. He sounded like one of those alley cats that sit on the fences in the cartoons and sing at night, so Mary threw a boot at him. It his him in the groin and he screamed even more.

Mary stifled a giggle. "Sorry….I guess." She said.

Noah just kinda laid there moaning and groaning. It kind of reminded Mary of when they first had sex and he got her STDs.

"You'll have to feed the animals then..." Noah ordered.

"Aw..." Mary sighed. "Well, okay... if it's really such a big deal." Mary went into the storage room and retrieved some steaks.

These went to the tigers. The male tiger purposely lied beside the meat belly-up, in case Mary was going to try and grab the food. He didn't mind women grabbing him there.

To his disappointment, Mary walked away, so he just jumped on top of the female tiger. It took hours to feed all of the animals.

When she was done, it was morning and it began to rain. Noah was still outside complaining.

"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaary! I'm hungry! You forgot to feed me! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Noah was screaming and crying and kicking his feet on the floor.

_I KNEW I forgot an animal…_ Mary thought. "Oh, hush up, you big baby!" She threw a steak at him.

"WOOT!" Noah caught it in his mouth and began eating it all messy. It turned Mary on. She started breathing quicker and quicker and she was getting wet.

"Hey…uh…Noah? How are your balls? Are you ready to have that orgy yet?" Mary asked all hopeful as she convulsed.

"They still hurt from when you threw that boot at them…anyway, I'm not in the mood." He said.

Mary began screaming. "NOOOOOOOO! We forgot the viagra! What'll we DO!"

Her screams woke up the animals and they all rushed out of their pens to see what was wrong. As Mary explained, they all looked horrified. They all pondered what should be done about this problem.

A blue Bluebird stepped forward, "Why don't we all just have an orgy so Mary can be happy and we can give Noah a doggie toy to play with so he won't feel left out."

"Good idea!" Mary beamed. She immediately jumped on top of a donkey and started panting.

"YEEHAW!" The donkey exclaimed. Noah started to cry.

"WHERE'S MY SEX TOY!" He demanded, still chewing his steak. Some of it flew out of his mouth when he spoke.

"UGH!" Mary got off of the Donkey and threw a squeaky Mr. Potato Head at Noah.

"Thank you!"

SO, all the animals and Mary had an orgy. It was hot and sweaty and there was even a clown who stopped by at one point!

And in the heat of it all, They heard; "MARY! THE ROOF IS LEAKING ON ME! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY!"

Noah was wondering around looking for her. And he was crying and squeezing his little toy. "I'm sure we'll find them, Mr. Potato Head!" He said to Mr. Potato Head who just stared blankly at him with his lips that were in the spot where his eyes went.

"I'd better go see what he's bitching about now…I'll be back, don't do anything TOO fun without me." She told the animals and with a wink she left.

Mary and Noah wandered the ark, looking for each other. Mary, meanwhile, walked in on some of the young animal babies having baby sex.

"Noah!" Mary called. "If you can hear me, squeak your little toy and I'll follow the sound!" Noah didn't hear this, but he squeaked it anyway. Mary went down one of the long hallways and bumped into Noah.

"Ow... Mary!" Noah smiled. He looked at her. She was really sweaty and her hair was all messed up. "You've been knocking boots!"

"Why, yes! Yes, I have, Noah! But it was hard with just one... I wasted my other one on yooooou." She said.

"Yeah, that hurt…!" Noah said, remembering how she had viciously thrown the boot at his balls. "Anyway, the roof is all leak-y, you're the man in this relationship, you fix it!" He complained.

"Just because we did that thing with the strap-on once doesn't mean I'm the man and that I know how to fix roofs." Mary explained.

Noah squeezed his potato. "But…but…" He held it up to her face and shook it while squeaking it like in the Chicken Foot episode of Invader Zim with the Dirty Chicken Toy ™.

"How can I argue with that? Fine." Mary said. She went into her room and got out her sex costume trunk. She picked out a sexy looking repairman outfit and got some wood, nails, a hammer, and a ladder.

As she climbed the ladder, Noah stood under her and stared at her thong. It was the one he bought her for their anniversary. It was a little big on her cause she lost weight because of her all-cum diet and it slipped off and landed on Noah's face.

"Mmmm, smells like turnips..." Noah said. Mary looked down at him and smiled.

"And just WHY are you leaving US out of this!" An ostrich inquired. He looked furious as did the other animals around them.

"I'm sorry, Noah was jealous. And just look at Mr. Potato Head!" Mary pointed to it. It squeaked.

"Wow, that is one sexy potato!" An animal in the back said.

"Mmmhmmm."

The potato squeaked again in gratitude for the compliment. Everyone else convulsed in pleasure, the squeak was rather arousing.

"DO IT AGAIN!" Someone screamed.

"Yes! Yes! Again! Again!" Others began to shout.

The potato squeaked and the people began to convulse in beat with its squeaking.

As everyone was orgasming with glee, Mary was fixing the roof. When she was done, she climbed down the later to find that the flood was flooded with cum. She tried walking through it but it was too sticky.

"GUYS! Come on, now I have to clean this!" Mary yelled at them. They were laying in the cum and they were unable to move because of the stickiness and because of the exhaustion.

Mary trudged over to the storage room and got out a really big tissue and began to clean. She had about half of it done when she started getting hungry, so she ate as much of the cum as she can. She now only had a mere sixth of what she started with. She got another tissue and finished up.

"Hahaha, that was fun!" A lion sighed happily. "Oh no, but where are the zebras?" They all looked around. Muffled screams were coming from the tissue Mary had just used.

"Oops!" Mary smiled and de-crumple-fied the tissue. The zebra rolled onto the floor and gasped.

"Thank GOD!" She exclaimed. There was an awkward silence followed by laughter.

"Yeeeah, that was a good one." Noah said.

-----------

It's finally done! How long has it been? Like 5 months? A year? 40 years in a desert? I dunno. Anyway, we've decided to actually respond to the reveiws in this chapter. Aren't we nice? Half of you probably forgot about this story though, unless you have like an alert about it, oh well, we'll get some new readers. Here we go!

Brittany's responses

Marysa: It's not me and Jinx, It's me and Sam, gawds. Anyway, glad you like and I hope our story doesn't get you in trouble with your parents!

Kasey and Jenna: Glad you guys like it. I hope you still read this but I dunno, it's been forever.

Myst-walker-in-gray: I'm glad you thought it was so funny. I didn't think people would like it, I thought we'd get only flames.

Queen Of Nutism: I'm glad you think we're entertaining. I hope you haven't forgotten about us.

Marysa: _-gasp-_ Two reveiws from the same person, we must not be scaring you guys away. That's a good thing, I guess.

Crystal: I haven't gotten the "or else" part yet so I'm assuming this is soon enough? Heh, sorry about that.

Queen of Nutism: Here's noah's ark! I hope you liked. Did it make you giggle with pleasure?

Eleventh Guard: I dunno if this one is like chapter three but I hope you still enjoy.

Myhometown: Glad you like it!

Kerbi: …Was that supposed to be a flame? 'Cause if it was, it wasn't very good.

Lembo: Hey Lembo's sister! Hehe, You're Jesus and you are my bitch and I am your bitch. This not going to Canada party should be fuuuuuuun. _-wink-_

Unknown: thank you, just thank you. When I got this email that said I had a review I was pretty happy, I read it then when I saw what you said I was on the ground laughing. You're is probably my favorite review so far.

Erin: Glad you like. You should try apple juice or grape juice. Prune and tomato are just nasty.

Regina Rex: I'm glad you think it was worth it. And don't worry, my hell isn't so bad, you can hang out in the Bother level or something. 

Jen: Is that a good "…" or a bad "…"? Oh well, that's for your submission, it was…nice.

Funnyfunnyfunny: So you thought it was funny?

Angel: I don't hate you, hate is just stupid. I'm sure you're really nice, I don't care if you didn't like our story. Why don't you let your brother read it?

Alison: Glad you like it. You guys were just sitting there reading it at Cat's party. Gods, we got like no sleep. Fucking Liz.

Simba11: Does that mean you like it or you don't like it? Why can't people read the warning? Gawds.

Michelle: You demand an update, you get an update…eventually. Glad you like, Lembo's sister.

Xir: Glad you like it! I hope you continue to read.

Daimon Swift: Cardboard is always fun! How cool would cardboard pants be? You could just like walk around with boxes on your legs. It would be awesome.

-Kiwi's Responses-

Marysa: Yep. And Jinx isn't helping with this… I am… And that thing you said about Christmas was right… That's weird. Haha, oops.

Kasey and Jenna: Wow, okay… No one's ever been that crazy about something I did except for maybe the first time I went to the bathroom and my parents freaked out or something. Yeeeah, thanks though. You guys rock!

Myst-Walker-In-Gray: What's with all of these postitive reviews. Haha, thanks so much.

Queen of Nutism: We did… see?

Marysa… again: -thinks we still suck- All of those quotes were Brittany's. That silly biscuit. Yeah, but the cinnamon thing was mine. nn

Crystal: Gore is good! Yesss! I'm glad you bothered to review twice. Hmmm, wow… We have fans! I don't like writing sex stuff, honestly.

Queen of Nutism: Again: We did… see? And thanks for reviewing again! And what's with all the demand for sex!

Eleventh Guard: Yeeeah, thanks. That cinnamon thing was mine. Haha, wow, and I thought it was the cheesiest thing in the world. Thanks for being a sucker for wordplay! And I reread chapter 1 and it scared me….

MyHometown: Thanks a lot.

Kerbi: … Okay.

Lembo: No…! Just kidding…. Well, it's kind of late to undo the keeping of the going. Crap, I confused myself…

Unknown: It's DARE! It's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up! It's DARE! WOO!

Erin: Love to the 5th power right back to you. –steals your orange juice- Glad you loved it. nn

Regina Rex: Okay, "See you in hell".

Jen: "…" Translation: You guys suck. Thank you… I know.

Funnyfunnyfunny: So fucking cool that you think it was so fucking funny…

Angel: I dunno how to spell anything relious-wise. And… get your brother to read it then. And in response to "What the heck?" : This the heck.

Xiao-Darkcloud: Hey! I know you! –waves-

Xir: Thanks!

Daimon Swift: Little do you know… I'm a cardboard person too… Well… NOW you know, but… BEFORE you didn't know! So HA! –walks away-


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